Author: christineheatherbird

Child sexual abuse risk?

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“The risk of child sexual abuse is significant during deputation and home assignment!”, Heather*, a supervisor, tells Janet*, a member care worker.

Janet is about to visit a couple, Shane* and Rose*, and their four children, Kathryn*, Emily*, Zac* and Peter*, who are soon to begin deputation, raising support at a number of churches, prior to their departure to work in DR Congo.

In response, Janet asks, “How do I prepare Shane and Rose to care for their children during deputation and beyond?”

What would you say or do?

Analysis

Most families serving, or about to serve, cross-culturally need to undergo a period of deputation or home assignment (HA), a time in which they typically attend many churches and meetings to raise financial and prayer support. During this period many parents believe that their children are in a safe bubble (Crossman, 2022).

Risk of Child Sexual Abuse

Unfortunately, home assignment and deputation are times when children are at significant risk of child sexual abuse, according to Paul Tuxworth, who lectures in ‘Child Abuse in Christian Communities: Prevention and Response: Learning from our mistakes, creating safe spaces’ at the Brisbane School of Theology.

Tuxworth (personal correspondence, 2023) started talking about the risks faced by missionary kids (MKs) on home assignment and deputation a number of years ago after a twelve month period where he investigated four cases of child sexual abuse (CSA) of MKs on home assignment or deputation.  He writes:

‘Deputation and HA are high CSA risk activities for MKs.  The MK CSA risks start before they go overseas.  I believe there are a number of reasons for this: 

  • Most missionary parents still have a “stranger danger” mindset. If they think about the CSA risks their child faces at all, they believe it is the nationals in their host country that pose the greatest risk when statistically they are the lowest risk group. Because of this “stranger danger” mindset they don’t consider or prepare for the CSA risks faced by their children in deputation or HA…
  • During deputation and home assignment missionary families are often billeted with other families and follow the host families suggestions.  The other families decide where the MKs will sleep and who they will share a room with…
  • Both missionary parents are often busy networking day and night.
  • MKs are often minded by relative strangers.’

Tuxworth also raised concerns that mission agencies were not mentioning the risk of CSA at the start of deputation, leaving mission families unaware and unprepared.

Tuxworth’s claims that CSA is a significant risk is supported by the findings from a survey of international MKs (Crossman, 2022). With respect to CSA, this survey, conducted in 2021, of 1904 adult TCKs (third culture kids**), 88% of whom were MKs, found that 24% of TCKs born after 1980 reported experiencing child sexual abuse, as defined by the Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) questionnaire (perpetrated by an adult or a child at least five years older). That is one in four TCKs. Even more homeschooled MKs – 28% – reported experiencing sexual abuse. The rate of sexual abuse in MKs who were not homeschooled was a little lower – 21%, or one in five.  

Another form of CSA focused on by the survey is child-to-child sexual abuse, which occurs before age sixteen, when the perpetrator is another child. The rate among TCKs generally and MKs who were not homeschooled was 26% – one in four; among homeschooled MKs it was slightly higher, at 29%.

The survey also asked about grooming. This is when an adult prepares a child for future abuse – testing their boundaries and getting them accustomed to inappropriate words/touch. One in three homeschooled MKs (33%) reported experiencing grooming, compared to 24% (one in four) of other MKs, and 27% of TCKs generally.

How do these figures compare with the general population in Australia?

These figures are on par with that reported for child sexual abuse in the general population of Australia. The Australian Child Maltreatment Study (ACMS) estimates that around one in four (28.5%) Australians aged sixteen years and over have experienced child sexual abuse, with females twice as likely to have experienced child sexual abuse (37.3% compared to 18.8%) (National Office for Child Safety, 2024). 

It is worth highlighting that it can be extra challenging for MKs and TCKs to report abuse in a cross-cultural setting. In close-knit mission communities they can risk being ostracised (Christianity Today, 2022). Additionally, often TCK’s are moved around a lot, which can negatively impact their support structures.

“The sense of reality and what’s true and real in a new situation is thrown up in the air,” said Pollock. “Their relational anchors get pulled up. And then structures of reporting, like who’s safe, may be missing or changed.” 

Hopkins, 2022

Member care is preventative as well as reactive.  

Tuxworth (personal correspondence, 2023) writes:

‘None of the parents imagined this [CSA] could happen, so none of them had protection strategies in place that could have prevented the abuse…  

Deputation and HA are high risk activities, mission organisations should regularly talk about this and equip their families with suitable prevention strategies.

  • I believe the highest CSA risk to MKs are other MKs.  This is also not often talked about.  
  • I have visited several missionary compounds that are surrounded by an 8 foot tall chain link and barbed wire fence with armed guards at the gates.  I am sure the missionary parents seldom consider the fact that the greatest CSA risks are locked in on the inside of the fence with their children each night.’

What can we do as member care workers and agencies/churches in the area of preventative care?

Risk can be mitigated by putting in place prevention measures to limit the chance of child sexual abuse. Since one in four MKs experience child sexual abuse, it is surely the combined responsibility of parents, sending organisations and member care workers to protect them as much as possible. Member care workers can equip parents with suitable resources and strategies to reduce the risk of child sexual abuse happening to their children; include child safety risk assessments in their topics to discuss with parents; ask parents what strategies they have been using to teach their children about child safety. Children can be empowered to keep themselves safe. 

‘An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure‘ (Benjamin Franklin)

Let’s now reflect on a story with some similarities in the Bible.

A story to consider

Some time later, David’s son Amnon fell in love with Tamar. She was the beautiful sister of Absalom. He was another one of David’s sons.

Amnon wanted his sister Tamar so much that it made him sick. She was a virgin, and it seemed impossible for him to do what he wanted with her.

2 Samuel 13:1-2

Amnon’s adviser, Jonadab, plots Tamar’s violation, instructing Amnon to go to bed and pretend to be sick.

So Amnon went to bed. He pretended to be sick. The king came to see him. Amnon said to him, “I would like my sister Tamar to come here. I want to watch her make some special bread. Then she can feed it to me.”

David sent a message to Tamar at the palace. He said, “Go to your brother Amnon’s house. Prepare some food for him.” So Tamar went to the house of her brother Amnon. He was lying in bed. She got some dough and mixed it. She shaped the bread right there in front of him. And she baked it. Then she took the bread out of the pan and served it to him. But he refused to eat it.

“Send everyone out of here,” Amnon said. So everyone left him. Then he said to Tamar, “Bring the food here into my bedroom. Please feed it to me.” So Tamar picked up the bread she had prepared. She brought it to her brother Amnon in his bedroom. She took it to him so he could eat it. But he grabbed her. He said, “My sister, come to bed with me.”

“No, my brother!” she said to him. “Don’t force me! An evil thing like that should never be done in Israel! Don’t do it! What about me? How could I ever get rid of my shame? And what about you? You would be as foolish as any evil person in Israel. Please speak to the king. He won’t keep me from marrying you.” But Amnon refused to listen to her. He was stronger than she was. So he raped her.

2 Samuel 13:6-16

While this story is not an account of child sexual abuse, it is an account of both power and sexual abuse, which leaves the victim, Tamar, with an enormous burden of shame. She chooses to publicly mourn rather than hiding what had happened to her and, in so doing, called for justice to be done. 

Unfortunately, David, Tamar’s father, whilst angry, did not punish Amnon. As in the story of Eli and Samuel, David failed to have control of his sons (Balwin, 1988: 250). Conflict ensued as Absalom waited for an opportunity to take revenge. 

It is interesting to note that Tamar, the victim of abuse, is the only daughter of David to be named in the Bible and is honoured as a righteous woman.

Child sexual abuse victims similarly report feeling shame and grief, despite their innocence. Oh, that they would experience honour instead!

what is mankind that you are mindful of them,
    human beings that you care for them?

You have made them a little lower than the angels
    and crowned them with glory and honour.

You made them rulers over the works of your hands;
    you put everything under their feet. 

Psalm 8: 4-6

Instead of your shame
    you will receive a double portion,
and instead of disgrace
    you will rejoice in your inheritance.
And so you will inherit a double portion in your land,
    and everlasting joy will be yours.

Isaiah 61:7

What happened? How were these cross-cultural workers and their children cared for?

Janet raised Shane and Rose’s awareness of the risk of child sexual abuse during deputation, and, later, on location. She mentioned that most children do not tell anyone they have been sexually abused until they are in their 20’s.  Thus, it is important for them to build the sort of relationships where their children feel comfortable talking with them about sexual topics. Then Janet offered the parents a couple of age-appropriate options to equip them with suitable prevention strategies to resource their children in this area. 

The first was the Pantosaurus resources including the PANTS song video with the friendly dinosaur Pantosaurus (https://www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/support-for-parents/pants-underwear-rule/). This song provides the opportunity for a simple conversation to help keep children safe from sexual abuse.

The second was the ‘Dittos Keep Safe Adventure Program’ (https://bravehearts.org.au/education/dittos-keep-safe-adventure-program/).  This resource includes children’s story books that empower children to keep safe. This resource is aimed at children aged from 3-8.

Janet also recommended that Shane and Rose arrange to share a room with their children when billeted during deputation and home assignment.

As Crossman (2022) points out, prevention ‘does not mean you have to expose your children to things that are beyond their years. You can teach them the difference between a secret and a surprise. You can teach them that they’re allowed to say “no” (and how to do so). You can teach them that they have a right to privacy, to feel safe and comfortable, to have control over their own body, and to have confidence in sticking up for themselves and their own safety.’ 

ADDENDUM (if there has been identified sexual abuse)

Tuxworth (personal correspondence, 2024) writes:

“Sadly, we cannot use King David’s response as a Biblical best practice for parents when they discover their daughter has been raped, or their son has sexually abused someone younger or less powerful.  Tamar’s abuse is one story in a chain that represents Amnon as a manipulator.  David failed to hold him accountable and trouble in the family resulted. Parents of children who have been sexually abused experience a range of strong emotions: disbelief, shock, guilt, anger.  While these feelings can be debilitating, and parents may be tempted to keep this a family secret, this not a time for inaction…

Situations like these are times for parents and missions to step up:

·      Children who have experienced abuse need their parents to provide protection from further harm and access to follow up care from a suitably experienced trauma informed counsellor.

·      Those who are responsible for child sexual abuse need their parents to hold them accountable for their actions (report the abuse to the appropriate legal authorities) and also be provided follow up care from a suitably experienced sexual offender counsellor.  

·      And someone suitably qualified will need to explore the possibility of additional victims.

* All names of people and places in this blog have been changed to provide anonymity.

** A TCK ‘is a person who spends a significant part of his or her first eighteen years of life accompanying parent(s) into a country that is different from at least one parent’s passport country(ies) due to a parent’s choice of work or advanced training’ (Pollock et al., 2017: 27). They create their own culture, the third culture, a mixture of their parents’ culture, the first culture, and their host country’s culture, the second culture (Do, 2022)

Recommended Reading

Crossman, T. (2022) Risk Factors and Risk Prevention for Homeschooled MKs, A Life Overseas: a cross-cultural conversation. Available at: https://www.alifeoverseas.com/risk-factors-and-risk-prevention-for-homeschooled-mks/.

References

Baldwin, Jo. (1988) 1 and 2 Samuel. Leicester, England: Intervarsity Press (Tyndale Old Testament Commentaries).

Bible School of Theology (2024) Child Abuse in Christian Communities: Prevention and Response. Available at: https://bst.qld.edu.au/safeguarding-children/.

Crossman, T. (2022) Risk Factors and Risk Prevention for Homeschooled MKs, A Life Overseas: a cross-cultural conversation. Available at: https://www.alifeoverseas.com/risk-factors-and-risk-prevention-for-homeschooled-mks/.

Ditto’s Keep Safe Adventure Program (2023) Bravehearts. Available at: https://bravehearts.org.au/education/dittos-keep-safe-adventure-program/.

Do, S. (2022) Will new terms help improve inclusivity for Third Culture Kids (TCKs)?, Cultural Infusion. Available at: https://culturalinfusion.org.au/third-culture-kids/.

Frank, A. (2019) Covered Glory: The Face of Honor and Shame in the Muslim World. Eugene, OR: Harvest House.

Hopkins, R. (2022) What Is a Missionary Kid Worth? Available at: https://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2022/december/missionary-kid-abuse-statistics-safeguard-prevention.html.

National Office for Child Safety (2024) Australian Government: National Office for Child Safety. Available at: https://www.childsafety.gov.au/about-child-sexual-abuse/how-many-people-have-experienced-child-sexual-abuse#:~:text=The%20ACMS%20estimates%20that%20around,37.3%25%20compared%20to%2018.8%25).&text=These%20estimates%20are%20conservative%20as,forms%20of%20child%20sexual%20abuse.].

NSPCC (2023) PANTS (The Underwear Rule), NSPCC: Every Childhood is Worth Fighting For. Available at: https://www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/support-for-parents/pants-underwear-rule/.

Pollock, D.C., Van Reken, R.E. and Pollock, M.V. (2017) Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds. Third. Boston, MA; London: Nicholas Brealey.

Follow-up

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“How do I follow-up John*, Denise* and their two boys while they are on ‘home’ leave? Another family, Fred, Megan and their children, are also returning for re-entry at about the same time! There may be others! How can I fit the work into my hours?”

Janet* is speaking to Heather, her supervisor.  She has just started working as a member care worker.

What would you say or do?

Analysis

What is follow-up? 

Follow-up refers to the ‘increase of the effectiveness or success of [something] by further action’ (vocabulary.com). Janet’s follow-up of both families continues the member care provided previously by other member care workers, in addition to the pastoral care provided by their churches. 

The follow-up of cross-cultural workers aims to continue to provide effective member care for cross-cultural workers, so that they thrive and grow as children of God.  This in turn, means they will serve more effectively, whether on location or back ‘home’.  Good member care ‘rests on a theological foundation of godly stewardship of people who are made in the image of God’ (O’Donnell, 2002: 272). 

Re-entry

Both families will be experiencing a form of re-entry, the often unexpected reverse culture shock of returning ‘home’. Read more about this at the Good Grief blogpost. 

Holistic

Follow-up needs to be holistic, focusing on all aspects of cross-cultural workers’ lives: spiritual, physical, emotional, mental and social. Research regarding chaplaincy (Jones et al., 2018) demonstrated that patients ‘valued having a range of specific needs met by the pastoral care practitioner, including their spiritual needs, friendship/social support needs, and practical needs.’

Common tools of the trade

Member care workers can provide companionship, walking alongside cross-cultural workers during the ups and downs of transition. Morgan (2015) writes that the pastoral care of chaplains provides “a supportive, compassionate presence for people at significant times of transition, illness, grief or loss.” 

Member care workers can facilitate member care by the provision of community events with current and former cross-cultural workers. When cross-cultural workers and their families spend time with others with similar experiences, there is much opportunity for mutual care and encouragement.

The importance of mutual care cannot be overstated. Social support and good relationships come out in the research over and over again as being key to adjustment.

Austin (1983)

Listening well is an important skill for member care workers and is a significant gift to cross-cultural workers. Read about how to improve your listening skills at the Listening well blogpost.

Normalisation can be a powerful tool during transition. If whilst listening to the cross-cultural worker, they mention an experience that is similar to the member care worker or another, the member care worker can normalise by saying, “It was similar for …”. However, it is important to be cautious about this practice, since member care workers can cause ‘road blocks’ by assuming that others have the same experience as they had. Listening well helps avoid this obstacle. Read more about normalisation at The New Normal blogpost.

It is important for member care workers to recognise their limitations and to refer to counsellors or psychologists as appropriate.

Preventative and reactive member care

Follow-up provides much opportunity for preventative or proactive care. Follow-up also includes the provision of reactive care for any issues cross-cultural workers raise. However, preventative member care is a worthwhile (and efficient) investment of time, since it reduces the incidents requiring reactive care. It can be likened to a barrier placed at the top off a cliff, preventing cross-cultural workers from falling onto the rocks below and then requiring reactive care. It is similar to preventative health care which involves modification of lifestyle choices to reduce the risk and severity of disease.

Although furloughing cross-cultural workers are only ‘home’ for a few months, much preventative care can be provided during this time. Focusing on preventative member care includes encouraging cross-cultural workers to be proactive about reviewing their self-care practices.

Structures

Member care is often delivered in a rather adhoc fashion but can be improved if more structured. Obviously, reactive care may be needed in response to issues as they arise. However, preventative care can occur in more predictable patterns and so be planned. Dallman (2021, 30) argues for, ‘putting structures in place in advance to ensure missionaries’ good care’.

Various member care structures, put in place by the sending agency and/or the member care workers to facilitate effective preventative care, can provide a safety net for the well-being of the cross-cultural workers. For example, one sending agency uses ‘Pastoral Care Plans’ which are a tool used to facilitate healthy self-care practices. This agency requests that cross-cultural workers prepare a pastoral care plan prior to their departure for location, and regularly review this document. In this way, setting up and reviewing self-care practices is structured systemically. Read more at Pastoral Care of Missionaries: Turning Theory into Practice. Another agency requires all cross-cultural workers have a support group with representatives from the sending agency, family and friends. This group can provide member care during ‘home’ assignment. Many agencies provide allocated leave for refreshment.

What structures are in place for the care of cross-cultural workers in Janet’s agency? Is there time for refreshment built into their ‘home’ leave?

The follow-up practices and the structures that support them should aim to reflect the Code of Best Practice set out below.

Code of Best Practice

The Evangelical Fellowship of Canada Code of Best Practice in Member Care provides a benchmark to guide organisational policies and practices for the care and development of cross-cultural Christian workers (O’Donnell, 2002: 272-276).

Some of the key indicators relating to follow-up of cross-cultural workers during ‘home’ leave are:

  • Debriefing, including physical, psychological, ministry, and pastoral concerns, is required and provided…
  • Transition opportunities/seminars, which include cultural issues and issues related to redeployment, re-entry, and retirement, are provided.
  • Resources (human and financial) are allocated for follow-up care during re-entry or redeployment…
  • Trained caregivers are identified and made available to members when needed.
  • Opportunity is given for member interaction and mutual caring…
  • Opportunities for marital enrichment and couple retreats are provided and encouraged – both on the field and during home service (furlough)…
  • The organisation partners with the local church in a member’s preparation for initial ministry assignment, re-entry, redeployment, and retirement… 
O’Donnell (2002: 274-275)

Let’s now reflect on a similar story in the Bible.

A story to consider

Moses’ father-in-law Jethro came to Moses in the desert. He was so impressed by God’s provision for Israel that he started to worship God himself. 

The next day Moses took his seat to serve the people as their judge. They stood around him from morning until evening. His father-in-law saw everything Moses was doing for the people. So he said, “Aren’t you trying to do too much for the people? You are the only judge. And all these people are standing around you from morning until evening.”

Moses answered, “The people come to me to find out what God wants them to do. Anytime they don’t agree with one another, they come to me. I decide between them. I tell them about God’s rules and instructions.”

Moses’ father-in-law replied, “What you are doing isn’t good. You will just get worn out. And so will these people who come to you. There’s too much work for you. You can’t possibly handle it by yourself. Listen to me. I’ll give you some advice, and may God be with you. You must speak to God for the people. Take their problems to him. Teach them his rules and instructions. Show them how to live and what to do. But choose men of ability from all the people. They must have respect for God. You must be able to trust them. They must not try to get money by cheating others. Appoint them as officials over thousands, hundreds, fifties and tens. Let them serve the people as judges. But have them bring every hard case to you. They can decide the easy ones themselves. That will make your load lighter. They will share it with you. If this is what God wants and if you do it, then you will be able to carry the load. And all these people will go home satisfied.”

Exodus 18:13-23

Jethro encourages Moses to take the burden of the peoples’ problems to God and to share the load with others with suitable skills and gifts.

What happened? How was these cross-cultural workers cared for?

Just as Jethro advised Moses, Janet took the families’ well-being to God in prayer. 

In a similar way to Moses, Janet also sought to develop a team of member care workers, whether paid or volunteers, through training and recruitment to assist with the member care work. While she took primary responsibility for the two families, she delegated as much care of the families’ care as appropriate to other member care workers, counsellors and the families’ sending churches. The follow-up of other cross-cultural workers returning from location was delegated to other member care workers.  She didn’t try to do it all herself. 

Regarding Janet’s follow-up of the two families, Heather, her supervisor, suggested a plan.

Brief timeline of follow-up

  • 6 months prior to arrival – send transition resources
  • 2 months prior to arrival – ask about member care priorities and mentors, check accommodation
  • Within 48 hours after arrival – welcome and check how they are
  • 1-3 weeks after arrival – offer internal personal debrief, ask how they are physically, mentally, emotionally, socially and spiritually, ask about their member care priorities and mentors 
  • 6-8 weeks after arrival – attend organisational debrief (review)
  • Subsequent ongoing contact (~ monthly) – phone or visit (eg. debrief children, review pastoral care plan, offer resources including marriage enrichment options)
  • Monthly – organise gatherings for Bible study, prayer and lunch, facilitating mutual care
  • Occasionally (~ 6 monthly) – organise other community events to facilitate mutual care. For example, women’s and men’s retreats, social events and TCK events

Fleshing out the timeline:

Heather told Janet,

Use this follow-up checklist which has more details for the follow-up of cross-cultural workers.

As set out in the follow-up checklist, Janet sent an email to the families prior to their return ‘home’, writing:

I encourage you to set up the chart illustrated below. This tool facilitates each member of the family sharing about those people, places and things that they will miss (and not), as well as what they are looking forward to (and not) as they anticipate coming ‘home’. For example, butcher paper or similar could be placed on the wall next to the dining table and once a week and so each family member can draw or write on it during a discussion.  Making scrapbooks and powerpoint presentations are alternative tools which can be used.

Janet also sent the book ‘Burn Up or Splash Down: Surviving the Culture Shock of Re-entry’ by Marion Knell to Fred and Megan.

Janet delegated some items on the follow-up checklist such as checking that the families’ accommodation was satisfactory and provision of an adequate car.

Heather said to Janet:

After their arrival, when visiting the families, ask ‘How are you going?’, at the start of each visit or communication. Then listen to whatever they want to talk about. Listening is a powerful gift of care. Sometimes, reactive care may then be appropriate.

As opportunity arises, use the follow-up checklist suggestions as a guide for discussion. Using the checklist, reduces the risk that you might forget an important element of follow-up. However, you should not take the checklist into visits since cross-cultural workers may feel depersonalised by this practice. 

As set out in the follow-up checklist, Janet offered the families a choice of member care worker, providing the families with more agency and an opportunity of a better ‘fit’ with their member care worker.

Within 48 hours of arrival, Janet visited the families to welcome them and informally assess how they were. Unfortunately, John was not fit for work commitments and needed medical leave. Practical assistance was required for Fred and Megan, so Janet directed them to their ‘home’ church who were well resourced to provide this care.  

A couple of weeks after their arrival, Janet visited the families and offered internal personal debriefs (as suggested in the follow-up checklist). Both families preferred to have these informally done. At the beginning, Janet explained the confidentiality arrangement so they were aware of any flow of information occurring. During these internal personal debriefs, Janet made sure she asked them about their physical, mental, emotional, social and spiritual health. Listening to their story was core to this member care provision. Read about how to conduct an internal personal debrief at the Debriefing blogpost. 

Janet also encouraged the families to have external personal debriefs. She said, 

“It is standard practice to have an external debrief during ‘home’ leave and the sending organisation covers all costs incurred. The debriefers will not report back to your sending organisation. In this way, they can provide a safe place for complete openness without any risk of repercussions.”

A fringe benefit of this pattern is that cross-cultural workers have established a relationship with a counsellor which makes it easier for them to consult them about any issues in the future. If for some reason the cross-cultural workers don’t find the relationship with the counsellor productive (eg. they don’t ‘click’), the member care worker can provide the cross-cultural workers with a list of alternative counsellors. More can be read about external personal debriefs at the Debriefing blogpost.

A couple of months after their arrival Janet attended the families’ organisational debriefs, so that she was aware of any issues arising. Organisational debriefings provide a means to capture valuable information about the cross-cultural worker’s experience for the benefit of the organisation’s effectiveness in sending cross-cultural workers in the future. Since those leading organisational debriefs are in management roles within the sending organisation, conflicts of interest exist which can impact the pastoral effectiveness of the debrief.

During Fred and Megan’s organisational debrief, it became apparent some conflict existed with organisational management. In this case, the internal personal debrief from the member care worker, as well as the external pastoral care debrief, will be more important than usual.

During the family’s time on ‘home’ leave Janet regularly touched base with the families, whether by phone or visiting, according to their wishes.

She encouraged both families to reflect now on what they are missing (or not) and what they liked (or not) at ‘home’ using the chart pictured below (in a similar way to the previous one).

Janet gave to Fred and Megan the workbook, ‘Returning Well: Your Guide to Thriving Back ‘Home’ After Serving Cross-Culturally’ by Melissa Chaplin

She said, “This workbook is a great resource to work through with a friend, preferably someone who has been through re-entry recently.”

Both couples selected to work through the book ‘The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work’ by John Gottman and Nan Silver, as their marriage enrichment option.

Janet organised monthly gatherings of cross-cultural workers for Bible study, prayer and a meal, facilitating fellowship within that community. She also organised men’s and women’s retreats every six months, as well as occasional social events and TCK (third culture kid) events including ten-pin bowling or trampolining. Janet considered delegating the organising of these events due to a lack of time.Follow-up of cross-cultural workers in final re-entry, like Fred, Megan and their children, can profitably continue for a number of years, although contact will typically decrease in frequency over time.

Janet’s follow-up of the families resulted in both families being better resourced for the future.

* All names of people and places in this blog have been changed to provide anonymity.

Acknowledgements

Thank you to David Bird for his editorial assistance.

References

Ash, C. (2017) Zeal Without Burnout: Seven Keys to a Lifelong Ministry of Sustainable Sacrifice. U.K.: The Good Book Company.

Austin, C. (1983) ‘Re-entry Stress: The Pain of Coming Home’, Evangelical Missions Quarterly, 19(4).

Chaplin, M. (2015) Returning Well: Your Guide to Thriving Back ‘Home’ After Serving Cross-Culturally. Singapore: Newton Publishers.

Dallman, J. (2021) Staying Well: Highlighting Hazards, Highlighting Health for Missionaries in Japan.

Ennis, L. and Brian, L. (2017) Receiving Them Well: A Guide on How to Support Your Loved One Returning From Humanitarian Aid or Missionary Work. USA.

Knell, M. (2006) Burn Up or Splash Down: Surviving the Culture Shock of Re-entry. Downers Grove, IL: Intervarsity Press.

Koteskey, R.L. and Koteskey, B. (2007) ‘We’re Going Home: Reentry for Elementary Children’. New Hope International Ministries. Available at: http://www.missionarycare.com/ebooks/Childrens_Reentry_Book.pdf.

Macnaughtan, H. (2006) Re-Entry the Home Coming Missionary: Can a Sending Church be a Successful Receiving One? Macnaughtan, Helen. Available at: https://books.google.com.au/books?id=crBfPQAACAAJ.

O’Donnell, K. (ed.) (2002) Doing Member Care Well: Perspectives and Practices From Around the World. Pasadena, CA: William Carey Library.

Peterson, E. (2004) ‘The Pastor’s Sabbath’, Christianity Today, May.

How to resource new member care workers

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First of all I would check that the new member care worker has read basics such as:

  • Families on the Move by Marion Knell
  • Burn-Up for Splash Down by Marion Knell

Next, I would recommend they read the books used as resources for cross-cultural workers.

Lastly, I would arrange for all members of your member care team to have access to the books listed below as resources for them to consult as needed. Books that I have found most helpful are those about general member care, risk, spirituality, abuse and pastoral theology.

General

  • Doing Member Care Well edited by Kelly O’Donnell
  • Worth Keeping: Global Perspectives on Best Practice in Mission Retention by Rob Hay

Families

  • The Grief Tower: A Practical Guide to Processing Grief with Third Culture Kids by Lauren Wells
  • The Family in Mission: Understanding and Caring For Those Who Serve edited by Leslie Andrews
  • Bear Cards: Feelings by John Veeken (not a book but a set of cards)

Identity

  • Belonging Everywhere and Nowhere: Insights Into Counseling the Globally Mobile by Lois Bushing

Risk

  • Facing Danger: a Guide through Risk by Anna Hampton

Spirituality

  • Spirituality in Mission by Amalraj J. et al

Abuse

  • Child Sexual Abuse in the Churches by Patrick Parkinson
  • Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft

Pastoral Theology

  • Skilful Shepherds: An Introduction to Pastoral Theology by Derek J. Tidball

Have you any suggestions of other books to recommend for new member care workers? Please comment below.

Updated: July 31, 2023

How to resource cross-cultural workers

/ christineheatherbird / Leave a comment

I purchased the books listed below and took them with me when visiting cross-cultural workers during ‘home’ leave. Then the cross-cultural workers could borrow those most appropriate for them. Books that were most often helpful were those about re-entry, burnout, resilience, marriage, intercultural marriage, singleness in mission, spiritual health, anxiety, stress, third-culture kids, forgiveness and pornography.

Re-entry

  • Burn-Up for Splash Down by Marion Knell
  • Returning Well: Your Guide to Thriving Back “Home” After Serving Cross-Culturally by Melissa Chaplin (a workbook – typically I suggest that they try to find someone also in re-entry to work through it with)
  • Receiving Them Well: A Guide on How to Support Your Loved One Returning from Humanitarian Aid or Missionary Work by L. and B. Ennis

Transition

  • Families on the Move by Marion Knell
  • Life In Motion: Growing Through Transitions by Ruth Van Reken and Amy Casteel
  • Uprooted: A Guide For Homesick Christians by Rebecca Van Dodewaard
  • Homesick: My Story by Jean Fritz
  • Moving House: Bible Readings For Special Times by Catherine Hickey

Burnout/Resilience

  • Unloading the Overload: A Christian Guide to Managing Stress by Cliff Powell and Graham Barker
  • Zeal Before Burnout by Christopher Ash
  • Healthy, Resilient and Effective in Cross-cultural Ministry by Laura Mae Gardner
  • Going the Distance by Peter Brain

Marriage

  • The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman and Nan Silver
  • Married for God by Christopher Ash

Intercultural Marriage

  • Your Intercultural Marriage by Marla Alupoaicei
  • Intercultural Marriage: Promises and Pitfalls, 3rd Edition by Dugan Romano

Singleness in Mission

  • Single Mission by Debbie Hawker and Tim Herbert

Spiritual Health

  • A Praying Life by Paul Miller
  • Listening to God by Joyce Huggett

Anxiety/Stress

  • 10 Best Ever Anxiety Management Techniques by Margaret Wherenberg
  • The Anxiety Cure:  You Can Find Emotional Tranquillity and Wholeness by Archibald Hart 
  • The Hidden Link Between Adrenaline and Stress by Archibald Hart
  • The Happiness Trap: Stop Struggling, Start Living by Russ Harris 
  • Mindfulness: An Eight-Week Plan for Finding Peace in a Frantic World by Mark Williams and Danny Penman
  • Helping Kids Cope With Change, Stress and Anxiety: A Photocopiable Book by Deborah Plummer

Third Culture Kids

  • Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds: The Original Class Book on TCKs by David Pollock, Ruth Van Reken and Michael Pollock
  • The Grief Tower: A Practical Guide to Processing Grief with Third Culture Kids by Lauren Wells
  • Misunderstood: The Impact of Growing Up Overseas in the 21st Century by Tania Crossman
  • Raising Resilient MK’s: Resources for Caregivers, Parents, and Teachers edited by Joyce Bowers
  • Emotional Resilience and the Expat Child: Practical Storytelling Tips That Will Strengthen the Global Family by Julia Simens
  • 7 Tools For Cultivating Your Child’s Potential by Zan Tyler
  • Serving at the Ends of the Earth: Family Life and TCKs by Steve and Gill Bryant
  • Helping Kids Cope With Change, Stress and Anxiety: A Photocopiable Book by Deborah Plummer
  • When Children Grieve: For Adults to Help Children Deal with Death, Divorce, Pet Loss, Moving and Other Losses by John James and Russell Freedman
  • Bear Cards: Feelings by John Veeken (a set of cards used to facilitate children sharing feelings)

Forgiveness

  • Forgive & Forget by Lewis Smedes

Pornography

  • IP: DIY – Internet Pornography: Do-it-yourself treatment guide for men by Phil Watts
  • Captured by a Better Vision: Living Porn Free by Tim Chester

Have you any suggestions of other books to recommend for cross-cultural workers? Please comment below.

Updated: July 31, 2023

How to resource TCK’s (and their parents)

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I purchased the children’s books listed below (pre-school, primary school and teens) and took them with me when visiting families during ‘home’ leave. Then children and parents could borrow those that were most appropriate. Books that were most often helpful were stories about children moving, living in two worlds, friendship, difference, feelings, anxiety, change, identity, sexuality and porn-proofing children.

Preschool books (some suitable for lower primary school)

Leaving home

  • We’ll Still be a Family by Linsey Painter
  • Harold and Stanley Say Goodbye by Jill Dyer (OMF)
  • Alice and the King’s Quest by David and Emily Grace
  • Sammy’s Next Move by Helen Maffini
  • Alexander, Who’s Not (Do you hear me? I mean it!) Going to Move by Judith Viorst
  • Gila monsters meet you at the airport by Marjorie Weinman Sharmat
  • The Berenstain Bears’ Moving Day by Stan and Jan Berenstain
  • Oh, the Places You’ll Go! by Dr. Seuss
  • God is with You: That is All You Need by Larry Libby
  • Off We Go Workbook (OMF)

Living in two worlds

  • Lewis’s Interesting Life by Anna Brotherson and Sara Ang

Friendship

  • How to Be a Friend by Laurie Kransy Brown and Marc Brown

Difference

  • We’re Different, We’re the Same by Bobbi Jane Kates

Feelings

  • How are you Peeling? Foods with Moods by Saxton Freyman and Joost Elffers
  • God Gave Me Feelings by Catherine MacKenzie

Anger

  • Let’s Talk About Feeling Angry by Joy Berry

Pornography

  • Not for Kids! by Liz Walker
  • Good Pictures, Bad Pictures: Porn-Proofing Today’s Young Kids by Kristen Jenson and Gail Poyner

Primary school books

Anxiety

  • What to Do When You WORRY Too Much: A Kid’s Guide to Overcoming Anxiety by Dawn Huebner (Ages 6-12)
  • The Worry Tree by Marianne Musgrove
  • Hey Warrior: A Book for Kids About Anxiety by Karen Young

Change

  • Who Moved My Cheese? For Kids by Spencer Johnson, M.D. and Christian Johnson

Friendship

  • Amber Brown is Not a Crayon by Paula Danziger

Teen books

Grief

  • The Grief Tower: A Practical Guide to Processing Grief with Third Culture Kids by Lauren Wells

Change

  • Who Moved My Cheese? For Teens by Spencer Johnson, M.D. and Christian Johnson
  • Home Keeps Moving by Heidi Sand-Hart

Leaving well – RAFT

  • Burn Up or Splash Down: Surviving the Culture Shock of Re-entry by Marion Knell (the RAFT process is explained on p105-109)

Anxiety

  • Hey Warrior: A Book for Kids About Anxiety by Karen Young

Identity

  • Misunderstood: The Impact of Growing Up Overseas in the 21st Century by Tania Crossman
  • Rice, Noodles, Bread or Chapati: The Untold Stories of Asian MK’s edited by Polly Ho
  • Half and Half by Lensey Namloka
  • Between Two Worlds by LeAnne Hardy
  • Scamps, Scholars and Saints by Jill and Roger Dyer
  • …And Bees make Honey by Jill and Roger Dyer
  • Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds: The Original Class Book on TCKs by David Pollock, Ruth Van Reken and Michael Pollock
  • Kids Without Borders: Journals of Chinese Missionary Kids by OMF

Re-entry

  • Re-Entry by Rosanne Hawke
  • Footsteps Around the World: Relocation Tips for Teens by Beverly D. Roman
  • The Global Nomad’s Guide to University Transition by Tina Quick
  • Tear Soup: A Recipe for Healing after Loss by Pat Schwiebert and Chuck DeKleyn
  • Burn Up or Splash Down: Surviving the Culture Shock of Re-entry by Marion Knell

Sexuality

  • Growing Up By the Book by Patricia Weerakoon
  • Teen Sex By the Book by Patricia Weerakoon

Pornography

  • IP: DIY – Internet Pornography: Do-it-yourself treatment guide for men by Phil Watts
  • Captured by a Better Vision: Living Porn Free by Tim Chester

Online Resources 4 TCKs regarding pornography

Kids and Pornography: Using Internet Accountability to Protect and Teach Your Children (Video, parents) – http://www.covenanteyes.com/2012/09/13/how-to-talk-to-kids-about-pornography/

EducateEmpowerKids (Website/Blog, parents) – 

http://educateempowerkids.org/category/healthy-sexuality/ 

What’s the problem with pornography?  It’s bigger than lust, and more than just disobeying the Bible (Webpage, youth) – http://fervr.net/teen-life/whats-the-problem-with-pornography/

Guilty Pleasure (Website, adult) – Focused towards directing people to course and programs that will help them recover from their addiction. – https://guiltypleasure.org/about/

Have you any suggestions of other books to recommend for cross-cultural workers? Please comment below.

Updated: July 31, 2023

Debriefing

/ christineheatherbird / 1 Comment

“How do I debrief Fiona?  I have no idea where to start!” Jane* exclaims. 

Fiona, a cross-cultural worker, has just arrived back from Albania* where she had a very challenging assignment. She is due to have her personal debriefing soon. Jane just started working as a member care worker for Fiona’s sending organisation and is speaking to her supervisor, Heather*.  

Jane herself returned from cross-cultural work a couple of years ago and had a poor experience of being debriefed herself.  She remembers thinking her debriefer hadn’t a clue about what she had been through and didn’t know what questions to ask. She is concerned not to repeat that experience for Fiona.

What would you say or do?

Analysis

Definitions

Debriefing is telling our story, complete with experiences and feelings, from our point of view. It is a verbal processing of past events… Debriefing is an opportunity to share in depth recent experiences with someone who is willing to listen and care, without judgement or criticism. 

Williams (1995: 1)

Personal debriefs are distinct from organisational and critical incident debriefings. A critical incident debriefing is a highly structured form of personal debriefing, which can take place after a traumatic experience (Hawker, 2012: 2). An organisational debriefing provides a review of an assignment from a factual perspective and gives feedback to the sending organisation (Hawker, 2012: 2). In an organisational debrief, the organisation is the client, while in a personal debrief, the cross-cultural worker is the client (Bosch 2014: 173).  

Internal and external personal debriefs

Personal debriefs can be conducted by personnel within the sending organisation (internal), or from outside the sending organisation (external); each has accompanying advantages and disadvantages.

While Hawker (2012: 18) suggests offering either an internal or an external personal debrief to each cross-cultural worker, I recommend offering both since each offers benefits.

The internal debriefer understands the organisations policies and procedures, can pick up trends, have influence on the future policy and practice of the organisation and follow up issues, but the challenge is to avoid being seen as part of management (Bosch 2014: 167). On the plus side, Donovan and Myors (2002: 304) argue that it ‘is vital that the listener be in a position to bring about change or at least to give feedback about why change cannot be made’.

On the other hand, an external debriefer provides an opportunity for a cross-cultural worker to be debriefed without any conflicts of interest, as long as no feedback will be given to the sending organisation. Thus, an external debriefer can be shared with openly, without negative consequences on the cross-cultural worker and their career (Bosch 2014: 167). An external personal debrief is best conducted by a counsellor who has been a cross-cultural worker in the past, since they are likely to have greater understanding of the cross-cultural worker’s situation. 

Purpose of a personal debriefing

Personal debriefings can help cross-cultural workers to thrive and grow and show value and care for them by their sending organisations. 

Research suggests that personal debriefings can be highly beneficial (Hawker, 2012:13). 

Hay et al (2007: 381) studied six hundred missionary organisations and found that debriefing during home assignment correlated with retention. This research also found that about 40% of aid workers develop a psychological disorder while on location or after returning to their passport country (Hay et al., 2007: 386). Personal debriefings, conducted well, may significantly reduce this figure.

Thus, personal debriefing is important for all cross-cultural workers and yet Hay et al. (2007: 386) found that it is not always happening. Worryingly, Hawker (2012: 4) writes that 48-78% of cross-cultural workers report receiving no or inadequate personal debriefing. 

Such debriefings provide an opportunity for cross-cultural workers to tell their stories. Telling stories is a powerful tool which assists cross-cultural workers to verbally process their experiences including their emotions. Since many people only want to hear positive stories, personal debriefing provides an opportunity to reflect on the dark sides of the cross-cultural worker’s experiences.

The personal debrief aims to help cross-cultural workers to ‘integrate their experience into their life as a whole, perceive the experience more meaningfully, and bring a sense of closure’ (Hawker, 2012: 2). 

Personal debriefing can also provide opportunity for normalisation; the reassurance that some difficulties of adjustment are normal (Hawker, 2012: 5). More on normalisation can be found at The New Normal blogpost. 

Underlying issues can be identified during personal debriefings and then appropriate referrals for counselling or to a mental health professional can be made. Personal debriefing does not involve counselling or performance evaluation; these should be kept separate (O’Donnell and O’Donnell, 2002: 316).  

Done well, personal debriefings are a valuable form of pastoral care. 

Confidentiality

Cross-cultural workers need a safe space to be able to tell their stories openly and so receive maximum benefit from the personal debrief. Member care workers need to have negotiated with the sending organisation a confidentiality agreement that provides this safe space.   

Feedback to the sending organisation is a challenging issue, attempting to balance the confidentiality promised with the leadership’s responsibility for the welfare of the cross-cultural worker. It requires skill to avoid breaking confidentiality (Bosch 2014: 167). 

In this space, member care workers can assist cross-cultural workers to clarify their thinking and encourage them to speak to leadership themselves. Member care workers can ask the cross-cultural worker to share the ‘need to know’ issues with those who, in fact, do need to know (Bosch 2014, 184). It is important for member care workers not to speak on a cross-cultural worker’s behalf (unless a third party is required for cultural reasons), especially when there are disagreements between them and leadership (Bosch, 2014: 185). 

Code of Best Practice

The Evangelical Fellowship of Canada Code of Best Practice in Member Care provides a benchmark to guide organisational policies and practices for the care and development of cross-cultural Christian workers (O’Donnell, 2002: 272-276) and it stipulates,

Debriefing, including physical, psychological, ministry, and pastoral concerns, is required and provided…

Confidentiality is respected and balanced with accountability to the organisation, sending church, supporters, and other members.

Confidentiality and all related issues are clearly defined and made known to all parties involved

O’Donnell (2002, 274-5)

Timing and structure

The timing of a personal debrief has an impact on its efficacy. Often cross-cultural workers are busy in the first couple of weeks with urgent matters including medical check-ups, catching up with family and other practical matters. Between one and three weeks after arrival is often the best time for a personal debrief. 

A personal debrief routinely takes at least two hours. Hawker (2012: 6-7) points out that short debriefs may be worse than nothing at all, so it is important to allow enough time.  

Personal debriefs can be structured or unstructured.  If the cross-cultural worker has a lot to talk about or would prefer a informal debriefing, an unstructured debrief may be most appropriate; otherwise the use of personal debriefing questions provides structure (Bosch, 2014: 174). As Hoffman (2023) notes, cross-cultural workers from more collectivist cultures tend to prefer informal debriefings; these could be held over a meal or while sitting in a park.

Standard practice

Personal debriefs should be offered as a standard practice with an opt out option. Sometimes cross-cultural workers think they don’t need a personal debrief or that it is a sign of weakness to ask for one. Thus, only providing debriefing for those who ask for it often means that those who need it don’t get it (Hay et al., 2007: 386). 

Choice of debriefer

A person skilled in the area can pick up signs of depression, discouragement, burnout, marital disharmony, and other issues. If such things are addressed early and competently, they can salvage [cross-cultural worker’s] careers. Task-orientated, cognitive concrete thinkers are often not well suited to this ministry. It needs sensitivity to body language, the capacity to read between the lines, and the ability to reflect empathetically upon what is being said. 

Donovan and Myors, 2002: 304

Although Bosch (2014: 153) argues that ‘anyone with two ears’ can debrief, Hawker (2012: 9-10) argues, cross-cultural workers prefer an experienced debriefer, one who demonstrates understanding and who has ‘credibility’. Cross-cultural workers are looking for someone who has had a similar experience and has come out the other side.  

[Debriefers need to] have adequate training in the skills of debriefing, have good listening skills, and are warm, non-judgemental, affirming and able to empathise. They must be able to maintain confidentiality. They should be comfortable with silence, as sometimes debriefees require time to reflect before speaking. They should also be able to sit with people who are showing strong emotion (e.g. crying or feeling angry). Debriefers need to recognise their own limitations, and be willing to refer people on for further help if necessary. They should receive supervision.

Hawker (2012: 17-18)

Further, Fawcett (1999: 90) argues that cross-cultural workers are looking for companionship, which is generated by being with those who have common vulnerabilities. 

Cross-cultural workers are also looking for someone who has the power, or perceived ability, to influence future events, who can answer questions and point them in the right direction (Hawker, 2012:10). The internal debriefer needs to be trusted by management (Fawcett 1999: 64).  The member care worker also needs to be able to trust the cross-cultural workers to act responsibly should the need arise.  

Dangers of debriefing

It is possible to add to a cross-cultural worker’s pre-existing trauma during a debriefing. Asking questions of cross-cultural workers may pressure them to talk about experiences that are unhelpful for them to recall.  However, if the member care worker allows the cross-cultural worker to lead the conversation, the possibility of this danger can be reduced. Group debriefings of cross-cultural workers who have had traumatic experiences are particularly problematic since one cross-cultural worker may share an aspect of the trauma not experienced by another and so add to the trauma the other has already experienced.  

It is also important to end the debriefing well. Ending without closure leaves the cross-cultural workers vulnerable. Hoffman (2023) suggests that member care workers ask cross-cultural workers what might be a helpful next step for them. Sometimes offering resources is a good way forward. It is also important for the member care worker to honour the cross-cultural workers’ openness in sharing to provide validation.

Let’s now reflect on a similar story in the Bible.

A story to consider

That same day two of Jesus’ followers were going to a village called Emmaus. It was about seven miles from Jerusalem. They were talking with each other about everything that had happened. As they talked about those things, Jesus himself came up and walked along with them. But God kept them from recognizing him.

Jesus asked them, “What are you talking about as you walk along?”

They stood still, and their faces were sad. One of them was named Cleopas. He said to Jesus, “Are you the only person visiting Jerusalem who doesn’t know? Don’t you know about the things that have happened there in the last few days?”

“What things?” Jesus asked.

“About Jesus of Nazareth,” they replied. “He was a prophet. He was powerful in what he said and did in the sight of God and all the people. The chief priests and our rulers handed Jesus over to be sentenced to death. They nailed him to a cross. But we had hoped that he was the one who was going to set Israel free. Also, it is the third day since all this happened. Some of our women amazed us too. Early this morning they went to the tomb. But they didn’t find his body. So they came and told us what they had seen. They saw angels, who said Jesus was alive. Then some of our friends went to the tomb. They saw it was empty, just as the women had said. They didn’t see Jesus’ body there.”

Jesus said to them, “How foolish you are! How long it takes you to believe all that the prophets said! Didn’t the Messiah have to suffer these things and then receive his glory?” Jesus explained to them what was said about himself in all the Scriptures. He began with Moses and all the Prophets.

They approached the village where they were going. Jesus kept walking as if he were going farther. But they tried hard to keep him from leaving. They said, “Stay with us. It is nearly evening. The day is almost over.” So he went in to stay with them.

He joined them at the table. Then he took bread and gave thanks. He broke it and began to give it to them. Their eyes were opened, and they recognized him. But then he disappeared from their sight. They said to each other, “He explained to us what the Scriptures meant. Weren’t we excited as he talked with us on the road?”

Luke 24: 13-32

 After appearing to the disciples, Jesus first chooses to offer them an opportunity to tell their story. Jesus listens to the disciples’ story before he offers them an alternative understanding of the events they had experienced, assisting them to put their experiences into context (Hawker 2002: 472).

What happened? How was this cross-cultural worker cared for?

Heather (Jane’s supervisor) suggested that Jane read the materials listed in the ‘Recommended Reading’ below.  These materials provide in-depth and practical information about how to debrief well.

Heather suggested that Jane offer Fiona a two-three hour internal personal debriefing about a fortnight after she arrives ‘home’, as well as ensuring that the venue provides privacy and an environment free of interruptions.

Heather suggested that prior to Fiona’s debriefing, Jane explain the purpose, benefits and expectations of the debriefing process, so that Fiona had time to prepare for it (Bosch, 2014: 179).

Heather provided Jane with a confidentiality blurb which she could use to inform Fiona of the confidentiality arrangement (the flow of information) at the start of the debrief.

Prior to the debrief, Heather suggested Jane read the ‘Listening Well’ blog post. 

Heather provided a list of personal debriefing questions for Jane to use as appropriate and reminded her that Fiona might prefer a very informal debrief.

At the end of the debrief, Heather said that Jane could ask Fiona,

“What would help you to move on?”

She also suggested that the offer of a external personal debrief with a counsellor might be part of resourcing Fiona to move on.

Finally, Heather suggested that Jane honour Fiona’s vulnerability by saying,

“Thank you for sharing your story with me. Thank you for your courage in sharing so openly with me.”

* All names of people and places in this blog have been changed to provide anonymity.

Acknowledgements

Thank you to David Bird for his editorial assistance.

Recommended Reading

Bosch, B. (2014) Thriving in Difficult Places. Pretoria, South Africa: Author (Chapter 4)

Hawker, D. (2012) Debriefing Aid Workers and Missionaries: A Comprehensive Manual. Ninth Ed. People in Aid. Available at: https://books.google.com.au/books?id=YVcpMwEACAAJ.

Hoffmann, H. Advanced Debriefing Skills (2023). (C.A.R.E.: Member Care Growth, Mastery & Beauty).

References

Bosch, B. (2014) Thriving in Difficult Places. Pretoria, South Africa: Author.

Donovan, K. and Myors, R. (2002) ‘Reinventing Missionary Commitment’, in K. O’Donnell (ed.) Doing Member Care Well: Perspectives and Practices From Around the World. Pasadena, CA: William Carey (Globalization of Mission Series), pp. 295–307.

Fawcett, G. (1999) Ad-mission: The Briefing and Debriefing of Teams of Missionaries and Aid Workers. Harpenden, UK: Author.

Hawker, D. (2002) ‘Guidelines for Crisis and Routine Debriefing’, in Doing Member Care Well: Perspectives and Practices From Around the World. Pasadena, CA: William Carey Library (Globalization of Mission Series), pp. 457–475.

Hawker, D. (2012) Debriefing Aid Workers and Missionaries: A Comprehensive Manual. Ninth Ed. People in Aid. Available at: https://books.google.com.au/books?id=YVcpMwEACAAJ.

Hay, R. et al. (2007) Worth Keeping:Global Perspectives on Best Practices in Missionary Retention. Pasadena, CA: William Carey.

O’Donnell, K. (ed.) (2002) Doing Member Care Well: Perspectives and Practices From Around the World. Pasadena, CA: William Carey Library.

O’Donnell, K. and O’Donnell, M.L. (2002) ‘Running Well and Resting Well: Twelve Tools for Missionary Life’, in Doing Member Care Well: Perspectives and Practices From Around the World. Pasadena, CA: William Carey Library (Globalization of Mission Series).

Filial payments

/ christineheatherbird / Leave a comment

“Will my allowance be enough for me to send my mother a cash payment each month?” George* asks Liz*, his member care worker.

Although Singapore is his passport country, George has studied, lived and worked in Australia for 15 years. George’s mother lives in Singapore* along with all his aunties, uncles and cousins.  He has been sending regular cash (filial) payments to his mother ever since he started working. George and his extended family are ethnically Chinese.  

George is in the process of applying to work as a cross-cultural worker in Indonesia* with an Australian agency. The agency staff were surprised that George, as well as his extended family, regarded sending regular payments to support his mother as his responsibility. George’s agency doesn’t have policies or procedures regarding filial payments, since this is the first time they have had a cross-cultural worker raise this issue. 

During initial discussions with agency staff, there is concern expressed about the rising cost of sending George should filial payments be added to his budget, so he wonders about offering to do some extra part-time work on location to cover them.  

George also asks, “Will my leave allowance be sufficient for caring for my mother should she become ill, as well as for regular visits?” 

What would you say or do?

Analysis

Cultural issues

Historically, George’s agency has been run mostly by anglo-Australians and thus it’s policies and practices reflect this cultural perspective. In contrast, however, in George and his family’s worldview, family responsibilities are primary, assumed and non-negotiable.

George’s filial payments are an expression of his sense of filial responsibility, ‘the obligation or duty of providing support and care to one’s parents’  (Chou, 2019). Filial piety is ‘one of the bedrock values of Chinese society. Rooted in Confucianism, it is the belief that honoring one’s parents is a person’s most important responsibility’ (Filial piety: A Christian Perspective, 2014).

Confucianism has significant influence in a number of countries including Singapore, Taiwan, China, Japan and Korea (Park and Müller, 2014), as well as in immigrant populations from these countries.  George may not be consciously aware of the influence of Confucianism in his life. Tokunaga argues that for many Asian Americans, 

‘Confucianism is not a religion or even a philosophy to which they would intentionally devote themselves. Rather, it permeates the social and family structures, much in the way Americans do not recite the Declaration of Independence but certainly have the values of the Declaration woven into the fabric of their society’. 

Tokunaga, 1998: 22

 The influence of Confucius means that ‘children must honour and obey parents, putting their parents’ comfort, interest and wishes above their own’ (Tokunaga, 1998: 20-21). Many immigrant and refugee families have struggled through transition (including financially) in a new country so that their children can have access to better opportunities (Tokunaga, 1998: 23). Accordingly, ‘their children feel strong needs to “show gratitude” for those struggles: “I want to do well in school to honor my parents. I want to get a good-paying job to help my family. It is the least I can do’” (Lou, 1989). George’s family may also have made significant sacrifices to fund George’s education in Australia, creating a sense of obligation for him.

Many countries have no social security, and in others it is limited. Adult children in such countries are expected to financially support their parents.  It is common in many communities for adult children to be a parent’s sole retirement fund. In other cases, adult children are supplementing their parents’ income whether sourced from a limited social security system or elsewhere. A wide spectrum of countries, from China and Singapore in the East, to Germany and France in the West, have laws that reflect the expectation that adult children are to support their elderly parents (Ting and Woo, 2009: 72; Aboderin, 2005). Some US states also have filial responsibility laws, with filial responsibility being ‘the legal term for the duty owed by an adult child to their parents for their parents’ life necessities’ (Gerber, 2022).

Filial payments are therefore very common in many communities.  In George’s home culture, for example, ‘well over 70% of the respondents involved in Singapore’s 2011 National Survey of Senior Citizens, reported that cash transfers from children represented their greatest source of income’ (Serrano, Saltman and Yeh, 2017). One survey reported that Singaporeans give about 10% of their salary to their parents with the median amount given being $500 per month (Miao, 2021).

The responsibility to send filial payments is not limited only to countries influenced by Confucianism. Yep et al. (1998: 12) note that South-East Asian, Indian, Pakistani and Filipino communities face similar pressures.  This suggests that future applicants from a wide range of communities may have similar responsibilities.

In Australia and the United Kingdom, in contrast, social security or superannuation cover much of the costs of living for elderly parents, and therefore filial piety does not often take the form of financial assistance. The home staff from George’s agency have probably assumed, up until this time, that this is the case for all their cross-cultural workers.  

How much does George need to pay his mother each month?

Broader context

Filial payments are a key facet of filial responsibility, but there are other responsibilities George is likely to have. These include caring for his mother during illness, regular visiting and meeting her sundry other needs. Traditional Asian cultures have a collectivist orientation, rather than an individualist orientation, which means the group, ‘defines the individual’s identity and destiny’ (Jao, 1998: 44).  Thus, George’s extended family’s expectations regarding his responsibilities towards his mother are also a contributing factor.

Witness

Another issue worth considering is the impact of George’s payments on his witness. 

What kind of witness are his filial payments to his extended family?

What kind of witness are filial payments in the culture George is to serve in? 

Let’s now reflect on a story in the Bible.

A story to consider

The book of Esther records an extraordinary story of  a Jewish girl, elevated to be the queen of Persia.

Haman, the highest official in the land, becomes angry when Mordecai, Esther’s uncle, refuses to bow down to him, as the king had commanded. Haman then sends out an order in the king’s name to every territory to destroy the Jews.

After this Mordecai, Esther’s uncle, appears at the city gate in sack cloth.

Esther’s male and female attendants came to her. They told her about Mordecai. So she became very troubled. She wanted him to take off his rough clothing. So she sent him other clothes to wear. But he wouldn’t accept them. Then Esther sent for Hathak. He was one of the king’s officials. He had been appointed to take care of her. She ordered him to find out what was troubling Mordecai. She wanted to know why he was so upset.

So Hathak went out to see Mordecai. He was in the open area in front of the palace gate. Mordecai told him everything that had happened to him. He told him about the exact amount of money Haman had promised to add to the royal treasures. He said Haman wanted it to be used to pay some men to destroy the Jews. Mordecai also gave Hathak a copy of the order. It commanded people to wipe out the Jews. The order had been sent from Susa. Mordecai told Hathak to show the order to Esther. He wanted Hathak to explain it to her. Mordecai told him to tell her to go and beg the king for mercy. Mordecai wanted her to make an appeal to the king for her people.

Hathak went back and reported to Esther what Mordecai had said. Then Esther directed him to give an answer to Mordecai. She told him to say, “There is a certain law that everyone knows about. All the king’s officials know about it. The people in the royal territories know about it. It applies to any man or woman who approaches the king in the inner courtyard without being sent for. It says they must be put to death. But there is a way out. Suppose the king reaches out his gold scepter toward them. Then their lives will be spared. But 30 days have gone by since the king sent for me.”

Esther’s words were reported to Mordecai. Then he sent back an answer. He said, “You live in the king’s palace. But don’t think that just because you are there you will be the only Jew who will escape. What if you don’t say anything at this time? Then help for the Jews will come from another place. But you and your family will die. Who knows? It’s possible that you became queen for a time just like this.”

Then Esther sent a reply to Mordecai. She said,“Go. Gather together all the Jews who are in Susa. And fast for my benefit. Don’t eat or drink anything for three days. Don’t do it night or day. I and my attendants will fast just as you do. Then I’ll go to the king. I’ll do it even though it’s against the law. And if I have to die, I’ll die.”

So Mordecai went away. He carried out all Esther’s directions.

Esther 4:4-17

After this, Esther takes her life into her hands when she approaches the king without being summoned.  However, in so doing, she saves her family and people from mass extermination. The king kills Haman instead of the Jews!

It was costly for Esther to approach the king, on behalf of her people, just as it costs George to care for his mother.

Prior to going before the king, Esther asks Mordecai and her people to fast for her. Perhaps George and his agency staff can also fast and pray, as they consider the way forward.

In this story, Mordecai shows great faith in God’s sovereignty. Similarly, George and his agency staff can remember that God will bring his purposes about, come what may.  Maybe George is the one to break new ground for other cross-cultural workers from similar communities.

What happened? How was this cross-cultural worker cared for?

Liz encourages George to enquire from the agency about what his allowance will be on location. Once this occurs, George realises that his allowance will be insufficient to cover his filial payments. 

Liz then advocates for George with the agency staff in working out a solution. The agency staff prayerfully consider make changes to George’s budget to add a filial payment as a budget item. Then the agency staff discuss the possibility of changing their policies and procedures, so that they can add filial payments as a budget item for cross-cultural workers from similar cultural backgrounds in the future.

Liz also enquired about the provision of leave for George to care for his mother should she become ill. She discovered that the agency could give some paid compassionate leave for George to care for his mother should the need arise. However, if it was an extended period, George would be able to take unpaid leave for quite some time.

George has broken new ground for his agency providing a smoother way forward for other applicants from similar contexts.  

A few years later George reports to Liz

“Once I had settled into Indonesia, I started to experience a lot of pressure from my extended family to buy an apartment for my mother.”

George owned a flat in Perth* but had planned to keep that to live in after he finished working in Indonesia.  

George’s aunts and uncles became increasingly frosty in their communication with him, asking,

“When are you going to do something for your mother?”

“Do you want to put her in a nursing home?”  (Shameful in their family context)

They also say,

 “No landlords want to have someone die in their apartment” (George’s mother is currently renting in Singapore).

And lastly, and most powerfully,

“Your mother has no son.”

In response to this pressure, George decides to sell his flat in Perth to finance the purchase of an apartment for his mother in Singapore.  George consults her about the selection of the apartment as well as the size of the mortgage to take on and proceeds to purchase one.

After George’s aunts and uncles hear that he had purchased an apartment for his mother, the relationships became much less icy.  

* All names of people and places in this blog have been changed to provide anonymity.

Acknowledgements  

Thank you to David Bird for his editorial assistance.

Recommended Reading

Yep, J. et al. (1998) Following Jesus Without Dishonoring Your Parents. Downers Grove, IL: InverVarsity Press.

References

Aboderin, I. (2005) ‘“Conditionality” and “Limits” of Filial Obligation’. Oxford Institute of Ageing. Available at: http://www.ageing.ox.ac.uk/files/workingpaper_205.pdf.

Chou, R. (2019) ‘Filial Responsibility’, Encyclopedia of Social Work. Available at: https://oxfordre.com.

Filial Piety: A Christian Perspective (2014). Available at: https://www.chinasource.org/resource-library/chinese-church-voices/filial-piety-a-christian-perspective/ (Accessed: 22 February 2023).

Hay, R. et al. (2007) Worth Keeping:Global Perspectives on Best Practices in Missionary Retention. Pasadena, CA: William Carey.

Impey, J. (2010) DW Made for minds. Available at: https://www.dw.com/en/should-children-have-to-pay-for-parents-in-care/a-6007110.

Jao, G. (1998) ‘Honor and Obey’, in Following Jesus Without Dishonouring Your Parents: Asian American Discipleship. Downers Grove, IL: InverVarsity Press, pp. 43–56.

Lou, R. (November/December) ‘Model Minority? Getting Behind the Veil’, Change, 7.

Miao, X. (2021) Here’s how much monthly allowance Singaporeans give their parents, AsiaOne. Available at: https://www.asiaone.com/money/heres-how-much-monthly-allowance-singaporeans-give-their-parents (Accessed: 22 February 2023).

Park, D.M. (2014) Confucian Filial Piety as a Challenge for Korean and Asian Churches. London: Lambert Academic.

Park, D.M. and Müller, J.C. (2014) ‘The challenge that Confucian filial piety poses for Korean churches’, HTS Teologiese Studies/Theological Studies, 70(2). Available at: https://hts.org.za/index.php/hts/article/view/1959/4491.

Serrano, R., Saltman, R. and Yeh, M.-J. (2017) ‘Laws on filial support in four Asian countries’, Bulletin of the World Health Organisation, 95(11), pp. 788–790.

Ting, G. and Woo, J. (2009) ‘Elder care: is legislation of family responsibility the solution?’, Asian J Gerontol Geriatr, 4, pp. 72–75.

Tokunaga, P. (1998) ‘Pressure, Perfectionism & Performance’, in Following Jesus Without Dishonouring Your Parents: Asian American Discipleship. Downers Grove, IL: InverVarsity Press, pp. 17–30.

Yep, J. (1998) ‘Your Parents Love You, My Parents Love Me’, in Following Jesus Without Dishonouring Your Parents: Asian American Discipleship. Downers Grove, IL: InverVarsity Press, pp. 43–56.

Leaving Well

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“How do we help our children leave well? How do we finish up well ourselves?”, Tom* asks Liz*, their member care worker.  Tom, Nadia* and their two children will soon be leaving Chile* to return ‘home’ to Brisbane, after 11 years serving as church planters.  

What would you say or do?

Liz, who has just started working for Tom and Nadia’s agency, wonders, “What training and resourcing does the agency provide about how to leave well?”  

Analysis

Transition

Tom, Nadia and their children are about to transition from one cultural context to another, a process which provides various challenges. 

Donovan (1991:182) represents the experience of major transition as similar to a river crossing.  

The cross-cultural workers were contributing prior to leaving location. Once they have transitioned, or spent some time adjusting to a new place, they will again be contributing. However, during the transition, cross-cultural workers typically feel like they are just surviving or even drowning. This disorientation or struggle occurs to a lesser or greater extent depending on the magnitude of the transition involved.  Transitioning back ‘home’ is typically one of the most difficult and lease expected ‘drowning’ experiences.

Will Tom, Nadia and their children sink or swim during their transition back to Brisbane?  How much do they need to change? And what can be done to mitigate their experience?

Leaving well can ease the stress of transition.  The acronym ‘RAFT’ is a tool to assist workers to finish up well (Pollock et al., 2017: 240-6).

RAFT

Cross-cultural workers can build a ‘RAFT’ to assist then to leave well.  

R – Reconciliation

It is important for cross-cultural workers to reconcile as much as they are able. Bitterness can be caused by ‘unfinished business’. Sometimes bridges need to be built. “It’s so easy to get on a plane and leave without ever asking for forgiveness or giving forgiveness.”  (Neigh)

My story illustrates the weight that can be carried when conflicts are unresolved:

As I was about to transition ‘home’ some years ago, a conflict arose with a friend about an electrical appliance.  My friend wanted to buy it for a business venture but I had already promised it to someone else. According to my friend’s worldview, our relationship trumped my promise to sell it to another.  However, according to my worldview, my promise trumped my friend’s claim. Due to the late occurrence of this conflict, the busyness of the last few days and the remoteness of her house, this conflict wasn’t resolved before I departed.  It was also impossible for me to achieve any conflict resolution at a distance (neither phone, mail or internet was a viable way to communicate with her at that time).  After returning to Australia, memories of our conflict came to mind from time to time, and I felt sad about it. Fortunately, during a return visit a few years later, there was opportunity for resolution of our conflict.

Author, 2022

Have Tom, Nadia and their children any bridges to build before they leave? 

A – Affirmation

Affirming people during the leaving process blesses relationships. Good closure includes acknowledging the blessings that relationships have brought, appreciating them and mourning their passing. This step can remind cross-cultural workers of what they have gained in that place and can be part of thanking God for what He has given them.  “It is not only affirming to the one who receives the note or word of thanks, but it helps to cement some of the good memories” that have been experienced by those leaving (Neigh). 

Knell (2006: 39) argues that affirmation is “saying what was good about the experience” and “prevents leaving from becoming a funeral”.  This could include a celebration of God’s faithfulness during their time of service, including how God has changed people’s lives in their community.

It is important to reconcile and affirm early, as it is easy to run out of time during the busyness of finishing up.  

Affirmation occurs differently in different cultural contexts.  In some contexts affirmation may be a written note, in others a gift or in others a verbal affirmation, either publicly or privately.

Have Tom, Nadia and their children affirmed others when leaving in the past? 

F – Farewells 

It is also important to say goodbye in culturally appropriate ways.  This not only applies to saying goodbye to people, but also to places, pets and possessions.

A story illustrates the fallout that can occur if this is neglected. Once John*, a short-term worker jumped on a bus and left a team he had been working with without saying goodbye.  A little later, some team members asked, “Where’s John?”.  They expressed grief when they discovered that he had left on the weekly bus without saying goodbye. In their eyes, John’s leaving without taking the time to farewell the team reflected poorly on his relationship with them. John’s service and witness was impacted by the manner in which he left.

For parents, this process also includes taking time to facilitate their children saying goodbye to their friends at school and in other communities. When visiting places and people for the final time, it is helpful to verbalise that it is the last visit. Taking lots of photos of favourite spots and people can be a useful tool (eg. Peanut seller, monkeys).  

Sometimes saying goodbye may involve taking time off work to visit significant people and places. Barclay (personal correspondence, 2022) reported that he undertook motorbike rides around India with each of his sons before they left for Australia.

How have Tom and Nadia farewelled when leaving in the past?

T – Think destination 

Think destination refers to looking ahead to life in the future destination reminding cross-cultural workers of the importance of planning appropriately for life in their future there.  This includes thinking about housing, schooling, work and church options.  Building a network of resources, including people and agencies, can also assist with the transition process. 

Think destination also includes reflecting on the families’ expectations about their future destination. It is easy to plan a return ‘home’ with rose-coloured glasses (Knell, 2006:42).  Realistic expectations are a key factor in mitigating the stress of transition (Ward et al., 2001:77).  Friends and colleagues can assist cross-cultural workers set realistic expectations. 

So often we go into new situations, like returning to [home], either for furlough or permanently and never once stopped to think through what we expect life, future assignment, friends, etc to be like. Those of who have been in the host country for a short period of time in particular, often falsely assume everything is going to be the same when they return. 

Neigh

Unexpected departures

Those who don’t have a chance to RAFT typically have a more challenging re-entry.  

“Unfortunately those who face evacuation, or emergency medical or family leave, often find this step impossible to do. When this step is short circuited an extra amount of attention needs to be given, to make sure that we are dealing with the issues and grieve the losses that have occurred” 

Neigh

Negative alternative

It is important to give attention to emotions when leaving and includes coming to terms with the reason for leaving (Knell, 2016:38). There can be disappointment, anger or bitterness at the end of service.  These can then be taken forward with the move and be an extra burden to carry.

Barclay (personal correspondence, 2022) suggests that if RAFT is not done well, a negative alternative to RAFT may result:

  • Resentment
  • Anger/angst
  • Fears
  • Trauma

Bringing good closure to a period in your life enables you to make a good beginning in the new place. It also helps you build on past experiences and learn from them. Good closure also helps you find something positive in what may have been a negative experience. 

Knell, 2016:38

Time and Lifelines

As well as leaving well, time and lifelines also mitigate the transition process. You can read more about this at Barclay’s (personal correspondence, 2022) Transition River Activity.

A story to consider

Whilst returning to Jerusalem at the end of his third journey, Paul called the elders of the Ephesus church to come down to Miletus to meet with him to farewell them.  

When they arrived, he spoke to them. “You know how I lived the whole time I was with you,” he said. “From the first day I came into Asia Minor, I served the Lord with tears and without pride. I served him when I was greatly tested. I was tested by the evil plans of the Jews who disagreed with me. You know that nothing has kept me from preaching whatever would help you. I have taught you in public and from house to house. I have told both Jews and Greeks that they must turn away from their sins to God. They must have faith in our Lord Jesus.

“Now I am going to Jerusalem. The Holy Spirit compels me. I don’t know what will happen to me there. I only know that in every city the Spirit warns me. He tells me that I will face prison and suffering. But my life means nothing to me. My only goal is to finish the race. I want to complete the work the Lord Jesus has given me. He wants me to tell others about the good news of God’s grace.

“I have spent time with you preaching about the kingdom. I know that none of you will ever see me again. So I tell you today that I am not guilty if any of you don’t believe. I haven’t let anyone keep me from telling you everything God wants you to do. Keep watch over yourselves. Keep watch over all the believers. The Holy Spirit has made you leaders over them. Be shepherds of God’s church. He bought it with his own blood. I know that after I leave, wild wolves will come in among you. They won’t spare any of the sheep. Even men from your own people will rise up and twist the truth. They want to get the believers to follow them. So be on your guard! Remember that for three years I never stopped warning you. Night and day I warned each of you with tears.

“Now I trust God to take care of you. I commit you to the message about his grace. It can build you up. Then you will share in what God plans to give all his people. I haven’t longed for anyone’s silver or gold or clothing. You yourselves know that I have used my own hands to meet my needs. I have also met the needs of my companions. In everything I did, I showed you that we must work hard and help the weak. We must remember the words of the Lord Jesus. He said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’ ”Paul finished speaking. Then he got down on his knees with all of them and prayed. They all wept as they hugged and kissed him. Paul had said that they would never see him again. That’s what hurt them the most. Then they went with him to the ship.

Acts 20:18-38

In this, Paul’s last in-person communication with the elders from Ephesus, he weaves a review of his ministry amongst them, as well as looking forward to his future ministry, before handing the elders over to God.  Prayer and farewelling occurred at their parting, when emotions ran high. 

It is interesting to note that the form of Paul’s speech to the Ephesian elders is “a type commonly found in farewell addresses” at the time (Williams, 1990: 350). 

What happened? How were these cross-cultural workers cared for?

Liz encouraged Tom, Nadia and their family to review their ministry and to celebrate what God has done through them, just as Paul did with the Ephesian elders. 

Liz also encouraged the family to have fun doing the Transition River Activity, facilitating reflection on their experiences of transition including RAFT and their lifelines. She sent them the book ‘Burn Up or Splash Down: Surviving the Culture Shock of Re-entry’ by Marion Knell which contains more information about RAFT, as well as about the re-entry which is ahead of them.   

Liz facilitated Tom, Nadia and their children to reflect on their expectations about their future life in Brisbane by sending them the RAFT Worksheet  (https://www.mtwcare.org/uploads/8/9/8/6/89863841/raftworksheet.pdf). 

Liz could assess their expectations.  Are they too high, too low or realistic? For example ‘What are the children’s expectations about extended family contact?’

Liz could also ask Tom and Nadia, “Where is God in all of this?”  

If appropriate, Liz could encourage them to pray and commit their church plant and their transition to God, just as Paul did.

As Tom and Nadia hadn’t heard of RAFT before, Liz investigated the agency’s member care programme to determine what training and resources were provided systemically to cross-cultural workers leaving for and returning from location. She discovered that any resourcing and training was adhoc.  Liz decided to set up a programme to:

  • train all new cross-cultural workers about the RAFT process at least six months before their departure for location and 
  • send RAFT resources to all cross-cultural workers at least six months prior to their return from location.

* All names of people and places in this blog have been changed to provide anonymity.

Recommended Reading

Knell, M. (2006) Burn Up or Splash Down: Surviving the Culture Shock of Re-entry. Downers Grove, IL: Intervarsity Press.

Other References

Bouncing Back – Transition and Re-entry Planning for the Parents of Foreign Service Youth (2022) U.S. Department of State. Available at: https://www.state.gov/global-community-liaison-office/education-and-youth/bouncing-back-transition-and-re-entry-planning-for-the-parents-of-foreign-service-youth/.

Donovan, K. (1991) Growing Through Stress. Sydney, Australia: Aquila.

Foyle, M.F. (1987) Honorably Wounded. Europe: MARC.

Jordan, P. (1992) Re-Entry: Making the Transition from Missions to Life at Home. Seattle, WA: YWAM.

Knell, M. (2001) Families on the Move: Growing Up Overseas – and Loving it! Wheaton, Ill: Monarch.

Neigh, M. (unknown) ‘Closure – Building a “RAFT”’. Barnabas International. Available at: https://www.instituteofworldmission.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/RAFT.pdf. Accessed 2022.

Pascoe, R. (1999) Culture Shock! Successful Living Abroad: A Parent’s Guide. Portland, Oregon: Graphics Arts Center.

Pirolo, N. (2000) The Re-entry Team: Caring for Your Returning Missionaries. San Diego, CA: Emmaus Road International.

Pollock, D.C., Van Reken, R.E. and Pollock, M.V. (2017) Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds. Third. Boston, MA; London: Nicholas Brealey.

RAFT Rethinking the Transition Process for Missions (2022) Center for Mission Mobilization. Available at: https://www.mobilization.org/sender-care/season-10/.

‘RAFT Worksheet’ (2005). Interaction International, Inc. Available at: https://www.mtwcare.org/uploads/8/9/8/6/89863841/raftworksheet.pdf.

Ward, C., Bochner, S. and Furnham, A. (2001) The Psychology of Culture Shock. East Sussex: Routledge.

Williams, D.J. (1990) Acts. Massachusetts: Hendrickson (New International Bible Commentary, 5).

Culture shock – it’s real!

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“At the beginning of our time in Dhaka, our senses were assaulted – taxi drivers vying for our custom, gangs of dogs, monkeys, dust, smog, waking to the sounds of hacking and spitting early in the morning from those living above us.  Smells, both wonderful (spicy food and woodsmoke) and the unpleasant (sewerage and rubbish in the streets).  Initially, we bounced around finding all the new experiences fun and exciting!  However, after a while the tide began to turn.

Stomach upsets and sickness were challenging…

Tiredness set in … 

Now we are feeling overwhelmed!  Some of the family don’t even want to go out.

I dislike the squat toilets.  The local dress I wear, including scarf, pants and tunic consist of great quantities of fabric which have a mind of their own and easily fall into the toilet. 

I hate the traffic.  “There are just no road rules here!” 

Leonie* is speaking to Liz, her member care worker, during a Zoom call a couple of months after she, her husband James* and their four children arrived in Dhaka.

What would you say or do?

Analysis

Leonie and her family are experiencing culture shock.

Culture shock

Culture shock, or acculturative stress, as some prefer to label it, is used to describe the impact of a change of culture on an individual. Oberg (1960: 176), an anthropologist, was the first to use the term culture shock, describing it thus:

Culture shock is precipitated by the anxiety that results from losing all our familiar signs and symbols of social intercourse.  These signs and cues include the thousand and one ways in which we orient ourselves to the situations of daily life… Now these cues, which may be words, gestures, facial expressions, customs, or norms are acquired by all of us in the course of growing up and are as much a part of our culture as the language we speak or the beliefs we accept.  All of us depend for our peace of mind and our efficiency on hundreds of these cues, most of which we do not carry on the level of conscious awareness.

Boch (1970: x) writes that ‘the person subject to extreme culture shock is often unsure whether he has gone mad, or whether all the people around him are crazy – perhaps both!’ 

Culture shock ‘applies to any new situation, job, relationship, or perspective requiring a role adjustment and a new identity… It is a normal, inevitable reaction in cross-cultural situations. It doesn’t strike suddenly, or have a single principle cause, but builds up slowly from a series of events’ (Wilson, 1996: 444)

These events arise out of the differences experienced. 

Differences 

Various differences precipitate culture shock. People and places look and smell different.  The difference may be physical including a change in diet and exposure to bacteria and viruses, precipitating illness.  Consequentially, cross-cultural workers may fear for their health and safety.  Differences in toilets, climate or housing may be challenging.  There may be social differences, with language challenges, different communication patterns, customs and values.  Social norms might be different including a different attitude to time.  Cross-cultural workers may not know what is going on, what is expected of them or where to find things.  Worship at church may be different.  Cross-cultural workers may also experience theological shock, particularly if some of their theological positions or ‘truisms’ are challenged.

Cross-cultural workers may experience a sense of loss: homesickness, support networks, routine and roles. Often cross-cultural workers experience reductions in productivity and efficiency. Cross-cultural workers are starting from the beginning with everything. They ask questions such as:

  • Who am I? 
  • How can I communicate? 
  • Where can I fit in? 
  • Who will be my friends? 
  • What can I do? 
  • What can I eat? 
  • How do I clean my teeth?

Cultural incidents 

Cultural incidents also occur during social interactions due to social differences (Storti, 2001: 61-2).

One type occurs when the behaviour of people from another culture confuses, frustrates, or disgusts the expatriate and may lead to a withdrawal from the relationship. 

Adapted from Storti (2001: 61)

The second type occurs when the behaviour of expatriates confuses, frustrates, or disgusts someone from another culture which may also result in withdrawal from the relationship.

Adapted from Storti (2001: 62)

Expectations

If cross-cultural workers are expecting the differences they encounter when entering another culture, the extent of their culture shock will be moderated. Further, researchers argue that realistic expectations facilitate adjustment (Ward, 2001: 77).  Embracing these differences is the start of the process of fitting in.

Hopefully culture shock did not come as a surprise, since it is normal, healthy and critical to the process of inculturation. 

What differences were James, Leonie and their children expecting to encounter?  Were their expectations realistic?

Changing identity

Elmer’s (2002: 66) diagram shows some cross-cultural workers adjust and others don’t.

Some cross-cultural workers have corners knocked off their square heads during transition!  The cross-cultural workers who retain their square heads cause more irritation to their host community.  It is easier for cross-cultural workers to retain their square head (if they have power in their context, whether from the money they bring or the positions they hold). Cultural imperialists do this. Most cross-cultural workers want to transition to an ‘octagonal’ head, so that they don’t bump the local people as much.  

Stages and symptoms of culture shock

Culture shock feels like a roller coaster ride often depicted by a ‘U curve’. 

The first stage is the honeymoon phase, after which cross-cultural workers move into the avoidance, anger and acceptance stages. 

During the honeymoon phase cross-cultural workers are often excited to try new things, explore the new environment and have plenty of energy to do so.  

Gerald Durrell’s biography describes his experience of arriving in Cameroons, mirroring Leonie’s families’ experience.

For Gerald and his friend John Yealland every minute of those first few days in Africa – every site, every sound, every face, every creature, every plant – was a source of wonder and delight. It was as if they had been born again – nothing was familiar, nothing expected. Hither and thither they went, ecstatic and bemused, [like men in a masculine trance].

Botting (2014: 116)

It is helpful if cross-cultural workers use the energy of the honeymoon phase to develop social and spiritual supports for a healthy adjustment.  

After a while, however, people run out of energy.  Culture shock can feel like wading through mud.  There is resistance all the time, in every activity, with a cloud of uncertainty about the possible dangers ahead. Tiredness is a common symptom.  So much change is required and change consumes energy.  It has been found that people typically operate at about 70% of their usual capacity at this time. 

The tiredness, withdrawal and irritability experienced during culture shock are challenging for those experiencing it, as well as for those around them.

During the avoidance phase, cross-cultural workers are often distracted, feel lonely and withdraw.  Withdrawal is commonly expressed through the use of distractions, such as the excessive use of social media or, even more problematically, through porn or alcohol. Cross-cultural workers may feel homesick, experience significant fatigue, anxiety and uncertainty.  Leonie’s reference to finding it hard to go out is a common experience of this phase of culture shock. Unfortunately, as going out becomes harder, engagement with people in their new community is limited. Typically, people then descend further down the curve and become angry or irritable.  

Criticism is a common feature of the anger phase of culture shock.  Cross-cultural workers often compare their new culture unfavourably with their home culture, sometimes whinging with other cross-cultural workers!  Other possibilities include general grumpiness.  Leonie has become irritable, expressed in negativity about various aspects of Nepali culture including the squat toilets and the seemingly chaotic road rules. 

Fortunately, as cross-cultural workers start to adjust to the new normal, they move towards the median line again.  In the last phase, acceptance, cross-cultural workers start to have a sense of belonging.  They change to become a better fit with their new environment.  They may have developed some language competence and start feeling more like their usual selves.

Jones (2015) describes the movement from anger to acceptance:

It includes wrestling with knowing, without a doubt that your way is better . . .  and then thinking that it probably is . . .  and then wondering if it might be . . . and then acknowledging there may be two good ways . . . and then (sometimes) recognizing the new way is better.

Read more about the stages of culture shock at John Fisher’s personal transition curve. 

Variation

Certainly, the experience of culture shock varies from person to person. It is often not a tidy ‘U curve’.

Many variables including age, health, living conditions, language, employment and personality affect the extent of the culture shock experience. It varies according to how much change we have to undertake. You can read more about variations in culture shock including those of children.

Where does sin fit in?

‘You don’t know what is in the jar until it is bumped.’

Indian proverb

Culture shock is a significant bump! Experienced cross-cultural workers report that during culture shock, cross-cultural workers’ weaknesses and dark sides bubble to the surface. Those weaknesses, or dark sides, in peoples ‘normal’ lives, tend to be expressed in greater force at this time. 

What happens after culture shock?

The confusion and helplessness that arise from the complete loss of cultural cues central to the culture shock process, is over soon. However, episodes of culture stress which come from the stress of changing to a new way of living continue to occur for some years, although they become less frequent.  More can be read about culture stress. 

A story to consider

In the desert the whole community grumbled against Moses and Aaron. The Israelites said to them, “If only we had died by the Lord’s hand in Egypt! There we sat around pots of meat and ate all the food we wanted, but you have brought us out into this desert to starve this entire assembly to death.”

… So Moses and Aaron said to all the Israelites, “In the evening you will know that it was the Lord who brought you out of Egypt, and in the morning you will see the glory of the Lord, because he has heard your grumbling against him. Who are we, that you should grumble against us?” Moses also said, “You will know that it was the Lord when he gives you meat to eat in the evening and all the bread you want in the morning, because he has heard your grumbling against him. Who are we? You are not grumbling against us, but against the Lord.”

Exodus 16:2-8

God has brought the people of Israel out of Egypt in order to take them into the promised land.  God asks them to be faithful to Him, in the midst of competing cultures and religions. We see however, that when faced with thirst and hunger they quickly begin to grumble.  While this grumbling is directed at their leaders, the Israelites are really grumbling about God and what he has asked them to do, comparing their current experience with the comfort of their old ‘home’.  Their relationship with God is damaged.

What happened? How were these cross-cultural workers cared for?

Just as the Israelite’s grumbling at God effected their relationship with God, so too could Leonie’s and her families’ grumbling impact their relationship with God. 

Liz could gently enquire about the families’s spiritual 

Liz enquires about what training about culture shock the family received before departure.  Consequently, Liz could refer the family to the Tips for Surviving Culture Shock document they mentioned which included suggestions to facilitate a positive relationship with God.

Liz can also use the document to review:

  • the family’s self-care practices 
  • their level of social support. This might encourage Leonie’s family to pursue local relationships to assist in adjustment, as well as too facilitate the family providing support for one another through setting up a poster on their wall as pictured.

Liz could also remind the family that culture shock including its various stages is normal and that while this process of change is challenging, it is necessary to learn to fit in.

What happened down the track?

After a local friend said to Leonie, “Squat toilets are more hygienic than western ones, since the shoes are the only item touching the toilet,” Leonie adjusted her attitude and found using squat toilets easier.  She wasn’t fighting the experience anymore and in time became more proficient at managing all the fabric.

Leonie also became aware that road rules did exist in Dhaka.  She observed that the largest vehicle had right of way on the roads.

Leonie and her family have experienced the discomfort of culture shock but this is a normal process of personal transformation required to adapt well. 

* All names of people and places in this blog have been changed to provide anonymity.

Recommended Reading

Saphiere, D.H. (2014) ‘The Nasty (and Noble) Truth about Culture Shock’, Cultural Detective. Available at: https://blog.culturaldetective.com/2014/08/12/the-nasty-and-noble-truth-about-culture-shock/.

References

Andreason, A.W. (2008) ‘Expatriate Adjustment of Spouses and Expatriate Managers: An Integrative Research Review’, National Journal of Management, 25(2), pp. 382–395.

Austin, C. (1983) ‘Re-entry Stress: The Pain of Coming Home’, Evangelical Missions Quarterly, 19(4).

Boch, P. (1970) Culture Shock: A Reader in Modern Cultural Anthropology. New York: Alfred A Knopt.

Botting, D. (2014) Gerald Durrell: The Authorised Biography. London: Harper Collins.

Demes, K.A. and Geeraert, N. (2015) ‘The Highs and Lows of a Cultural Transition: A Longitudinal Analysis of Sojourner Stress and Adaptation Across 50 Countries’, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Edited by King, 109(2), pp. 316–337.

Donovan, K. (1991) Growing Through Stress. Sydney, Australia: Aquila.

Dye, W. (1974) ‘Stress-producing Factors in Cultural Adjustment’, Missiology, 2(1), pp. 61–77.

Elmer, D. (2002) Cross Cultural Connections. Intervarsity Press.

Gertsen, M. (1990) ‘Intercultural competence and expatriates’, International Journal of Human Resource Management, 1(3), pp. 341–361.

Ho, P. and Bing, P.H.B. (2020) ‘Off we go’. Available at: https://www.chinasource.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/Off-We-Go-2020.pdf.

Jones, J. (2015) ‘The Seven Lies of Living Cross Culturally’, The Culture Blend. Available at: http://www.thecultureblend.com/the-seven-lies-of-living-cross-culturally/.

Jones, R. (2021) ‘Beyond Culture Shock: Culture Pain, Culture Stripping’, A Life Overseas: a cross-cultural conversation. Available at: https://www.alifeoverseas.com/beyond-culture-shock-culture-pain-and-culture-stripping/.

Mobbs, C.H. (2013) ‘Culture shock in children’, ExpatChild. Available at: https://expatchild.com/culture-shock-in-children/.

Mumford, D.B. (1998) ‘The measurement of culture shock’, Social Psychiatry and Psychiatric Epidemiology, 33, pp. 149–154.

Oberg, K. (1960) ‘Culture shock: Adjustment to new cultural environments’, Practical Anthropology, 7(4), pp. 177–182.

Pitman, J. (2012) ‘Living Well Where You Don’t Belong’, Outside-In. Available at: https://joannpittman.com/cultural-adjustment/2012/living-well-where-you-dont-belong-full-version/.

Pollock, D.C., Van Reken, R. and Pollock, M. (2017) Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds. Boston, MA; London: Nicholas Brealey.

Rabe, M. (1997) Culture Shock! Living and Working Abroad. Eugene, OR: Wipf and Stock Publishers.

Saphiere, D.H. (2014) ‘The Nasty (and Noble) Truth about Culture Shock’, Cultural Detective. Available at: https://blog.culturaldetective.com/2014/08/12/the-nasty-and-noble-truth-about-culture-shock/.

Storti, C. (2001) The Art of Crossing Cultures. 2nd edn. Boston, MA: Nicholas Brealey.

Ward, C., Bochner, S. and Furnham, A. (2001) The Psychology of Culture Shock. East Sussex: Routledge.

Wilson, L. (1996) ‘Women and Culture Shock’, Evangelical Missions Quarterly, 32(4), pp. 442–9.

Uncomfortable

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“How do we sit with people who are living with extended uncertainty?  Many cross-cultural workers are suffering at the moment. I’m finding it really hard”, said Rose*, a member care worker.  Her face twisted as she said this to her member care support group.

Liz*, another member care worker, asked, “What do we say to cross-cultural workers living in the stress of extended uncertainty?  How do we respond when there are no answers?  Some people don’t know if and when they can return to Australia.  Others, are stuck in Australia and don’t know if and when they can get to location.” 

How would you respond?

Analysis

An analysis of the experience of the cross-cultural workers as they live with uncertainty and a lack of control, was the focus of the previous blog post, Betwixt and Between.  Here we turn our attention to the member carers’ experience and their discomfort.

What are Rose and Liz experiencing as they sit with cross-cultural workers experiencing uncertainty or suffering?

Helplessness is uncomfortable.  Many member care workers can relate to Webb (1990: 76), a pastoral carer, who writes about dreading pastoral situations when she didn’t know what to ‘do’ or when there was nothing she could ‘do’ to help.  Similarly, Rose and Liz can’t do anything about the uncertainty their cross-cultural workers are living with in this situation.  A lack of control is being experienced by both the member care workers and their cross-cultural workers. Member care encounters like these are similar to visits to the sick in hospital by chaplains, where patients are waiting to see how nature will take its course. 

What is our role?

Companionship during suffering is a significant gift.  Schaum writes about the power of companionship, or walking alongside, those who are suffering.    

Companionship is the greatest gift we can offer another who is in pain. In the presence of one who is experiencing difficulties of any severity, our primary gift is not facilitating a remedy for the problems at hand, but rather that of being a journey mate through their personal hardship as God’s purposes are explored…  What all of us long for when life is harsh is accompaniment…  There is no greater gift we can offer someone in the midst of lasting suffering than our simple, abiding, enduring presence.

Shaum, 2012: 132

Giving ‘attention’ to, or being fully present with, cross-cultural workers as they wait, is important in order to listen well and provide good member care. Kelly (2012: 25), an experienced chaplain, writes of the importance of listening with attention, providing ‘an attuned, non-judgemental presence in our waiting with others’ which conveys our concern and compassion. Webb (1990: 76) writes of her discovery of the power and significance of being fully present with people in times of trial. Waiting attentively is costly for member care workers.  

Waiting attentively is a draining experience but even more so when uncomfortable and anxiety provoking.  Kelly (2012: 32) writes that the ability to provide a non-anxious presence is vital for pastoral care.  We may end our attentiveness prematurely due to our discomfort with the cross-cultural worker’s suffering and so limit the pastoral encounter (Kelly, 2012: 33).  It is easy to respond to our anxiety by ‘doing’ things. 

It is common to want to take action when feeling helpless or uncomfortable.  Many member care workers gain comfort in unfamiliar situations by getting busy at some activity.  Rather than simply ‘being’ with the cross-cultural worker in their distress, we might offer a cup of tea, tissues, hugs, some other physical assistance or engage in anxious chatter (Kelly 2012: 34). Sometimes jumping too quickly to prayer can be another way we avoid our uneasiness and block a member care encounter.  Kelly (2012: 33-34) recounts the story of a chaplain who just didn’t know how to respond to a patient and so asked, “Can I pray for you?”; the patient replied, “If it helps you”.  While most cross-cultural workers will want to be prayed for and certainly, prayer is a vital component of member care encounters, it can invalidate their concerns if it is offered too soon. We need to wait until it is an appropriate time before we offer to pray.

Waiting attentively with another who is suffering or sad, seeking to hold them and the paradoxes and the unanswerable questions both verbalised or sensed in self or the other and allowing all that to be, is an immense challenge for any human being… As humans, we all innately want to make things better for others and ourselves, we want to get rid of pain and regain control; our first inclination is to stick a band aid on any open wound.

Kelly (2012: 32)

Waiting with cross-cultural workers in these uncertain situations is more challenging for some than others.  Anthropologists, Lingenfelter and Mayers (2003: 79), argue that some societies and personalities are more task-orientated than person-orientated. For those of us who are from more task-orientated cultures or have a more task-orientated personality, waiting is even more difficult. Our discomfort with waiting can also vary according to our status in some cultures.  

In our society there is a direct correlation between status and waiting. The more important your status, the less you have to wait. Waiting reminds us that we are not in charge, that we cannot command instantly whatever it is we have to seek, so we have to wait. 

McBride, 2003: 22

Fortunately, all member care workers can keep growing their ability to wait and provide a non-anxious presence.  

Undoubtedly, the ability to provide others with a ‘non-anxious presence’ (Newell, 2008) in their time of uncertainty or transition is central to the provision of sensitive pastoral and spiritual care. What is key here is our understanding that it is perfectly normal at times to feel helpless or useless in the face of another situation or personal predicament, and not to feel overly anxious or guilty about having these feelings. In short, it is in normalising these feelings for ourselves, as well as others, and giving ourselves permission to feel this way that we free ourselves to some degree from being overly uptight and uncomfortable.  This can enable us to stay with another when we both sense, as carer and cared for, that, ultimately, the current situation is out of our control and has to be lived through rather than fixed or overcome. 

Kelly (2012: 32)

By normalising the discomfort we feel as member care workers, we can increase our capacity to provide a non-anxious presence to our cross-cultural workers.   It is normal, or natural, for Rose and Liz to feel helpless and anxious in these types of member care encounters.  They are living with uncertainty, just as their cross-cultural workers are.  When member care workers realise that it’s normal to feel helpless and useless, then they don’t need to feel overly anxious or guilty but having those feelings (Kelly, 2012: 32).

Our helplessness as member care workers is a ‘touching place’ with the liminal space our cross-cultural workers are inhabiting (Kelly, 2012: 32).  Both member care workers and cross-cultural workers are inhabiting the common ground of waiting and experiencing a sense of being out of control that occurs when living with uncertainty. 

Can Rose and Liz sit with their own helplessness, as well as their cross-cultural workers’ suffering?

Sometimes we are conscious of our failings as member carers after pastoral encounters.  Due to our anxiety and discomfort with waiting we might limit our provision of care by offering a tissue or chattering.  We wonder, “How much did I limit the care of this cross-cultural worker?”  This reminds me of the image of a misshapen piece of pottery, created by an apprentice potter.  Despite the imperfections, there is beauty in its form, as well as potential in the apprentice potter.

It is important that we continue to let the Bible interrogate our understanding. (Read more about our use of the Bible in the Theological Reflection Cycle blog post.)

A story to consider

Elkanah and his two wives, Hannah and Penninah, had come to Shiloh to offer worship and sacrifices to the LORD.  Eli was a priest there.  Hannah was very distressed because she was a barren woman.  Barrenness was accounted a great disgrace for a Hebrew woman; a source of shame.  Hannah’s distress was increased by Penninah, who did have children, and provoked her about her barrenness.  

Hannah went and started praying to the Lord at the Temple.  

“As she kept on praying to the Lord, Eli observed her mouth. Hannah was praying in her heart, and her lips were moving but her voice was not heard. Eli thought she was drunk and said to her, “How long are you going to stay drunk? Put away your wine.”Not so, my lord,” Hannah replied, “I am a woman who is deeply troubled.  I have not been drinking wine or beer; I was pouring out my soul to the Lord. Do not take your servant for a wicked woman; I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief.”

Eli answered, “Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him.”

She said, “May your servant find favour in your eyes.” Then she went her way and ate something, and her face was no longer downcast.

1 Samuel 1:12-18

Just as Hannah was distressed by her barrenness and Penninah’s provocation, many cross-cultural workers are distressed by these times of significant uncertainty.  

Eli’s false accusation of drunkenness was a very poor start to his pastoral encounter with Hannah!  As member care workers, we can also limit our encounters by responding inappropriately to cross-cultural workers.  Fortunately this wasn’t the end in the story of Hannah and Eli, since she corrected his mistake.

Although Eli did poorly in the first instance as a pastoral carer, he went on to offer Hannah words of comfort and blessing.  Later, after God had answered Hannah’s prayer and blessed her with a son, Samuel, and she had handed him over to Eli to fulfil her promise to the Lord, Eli also helped Samuel to discern God’s voice (1 Samuel 3).  This mirrors our experience as member care workers.  While we may block a pastoral encounter at one point, God works so that the cross-cultural workers may be in a much better place in the end.  In the long-term, God wasn’t limited by Eli’s mistake, and nor is God limited by our blockages during pastoral encounters.  We can also learn from our mistakes, just as an apprentice potter does.

Blessed be God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble by the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

2 Corinthians 1: 3-4

What happened? How could these member care workers be cared for?

Rose and Liz could explore their feelings of discomfort with their support group and supervisors. Rose’s and Liz’s support group members and supervisors could provide them with validation, normalisation and reassurance about their feelings of discomfort and so reduce their anxiety. Validation is about assisting a person ‘feel that their emotions and struggles make sense and are understandable given the circumstances’ (This Way Up – Knowing, 2020: 8). Normalisation labels something as normal or ordinary, when a person is feeling it is weird or abnormal. Reassurance is about easing someone’s doubts or fears. More about validation, normalisation and reassurance is set out in the Betwixt and Between blog post.

Rose and Liz can be assisted to improve their member care provision.

In order to improve their capacity to wait attentively and provide a non-anxious presence, Rose and Liz could regularly explore this capacity with their supervisors or member care support group (Kelly, 2012: 34).   They could reflect about if and when they might be employing strategies to avoid discomfort, such as anxious chatter, making cups of tea or offering to do something. This will raise Rose and Liz’s awareness of their practices of avoidance.

Having built an awareness of the temptation to avoid their own discomfort and having received comfort from the validation, normalisation and reassurance Rose and Liz received, their anxiety may be reduced. This in turn may increase their capacity to wait attentively and provide a non-anxious presence, and so, to provide effective member care. With the comfort Rose and Liz have received, they can in turn may bless their cross-cultural workers.

After listening to and waiting attentively with their cross-cultural workers, Rose and Liz might offer validation, normalisation or reassurance to them, if appropriate. Examples of how validation can be achieved are sentences such as, “That sounds frustrating” or “I can understand why you’re exhausted”.  Examples of normalisation are sentences such as, “It is natural to feel discombobulated during these times of uncertainty” or “It is normal to feel quite tired during transition”. To provide reassurance, Rose or Liz might say, “I’m so sorry you had to cancel your holiday, especially when I know that you have been looking forward to seeing your grandchildren.  I hope you get to see them soon.”  Reassurance is also provided by companionship, offering to walk alongside them, if that is possible (This Way Up – Knowing, 2020: 9).

* All names of people and places in this blog have been changed to preserve anonymity.

Kelly, E. (2012) Personhood and Presence: Self as a resource for spiritual and pastoral care. London; New York: t&tclark.

References

Knapp, H. (ed.) (2015) ‘Emotional Communication’, in Therapeutic Communication: Developing Professional Skills. Thousand Oaks: SAGE Publications, Inc., pp. 89–108. Available at: https://us.sagepub.com/sites/default/files/upm-assets/61121_book_item_61121.pdf.

‘Knowing What to Say: During the COVID-19 Pandemic’ (2020). THIS WAY UP, St Vincent’s Hospital Sydney Limited. Available at: https://thiswayup.org.au/wp-content/uploads/2021/02/THIS-WAY-UP_Knowing-What-to-Say.pdf.

Lingenfelter, S.G. and Mayers, M.K. (2003) Ministering Cross-Culturally: An Incarnational Model for Personal Relationships. Second. Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Academic.

McBride, D. (2003) Waiting on God. Hampshire: Redemptionist Publications.

Schaum, S.E. (2017) Uninvited Companion. Colorado Springs: Cresta Riposo.

Webb, K.S. (1990) ‘Pastoral Identity and the Ministry of Presence’, Journal of Pastoral Care, 44(1), pp. 76–79. doi:10.1177/002234099004400112.